Last week I blew the lid off the 2012 Minnesota Twins’ walk-up music, the player-selected tracks that play prior to at-bats. Because paper – god bless the ol’ format’s soul – doesn’t allow YouTube embeds and unlimited space for commentary, I decided to flesh-out a bit of baseball minutia that I find infinitely interesting. Without a further ado, here’s rock-snobbery applied to your Minnesota Twins.
Denard Span: “Round of Applause,” Waka Flocka Flame
The single off Wacka Flocka Flame’s forthcoming sophomore effort, “Triple F Life: Friends, Fans and Family,” finds the rapper leaning towards a more consumer-friendly sound. “Round of Applause” is a strip-club-ready track featuring mostly throwaway verses. Still, Wacka Flocka’s delivery and flow is tops compared the radio-rap status quo. Nice artist pick by Span, but this particular song doesn’t really lend itself to getting pumped.
Jamey Carroll: “Dirt Road Anthem,” Jason Aldean
Tip for those pushing 40: you’ve lived long enough to spot horseshit music. Carroll, 38, needs to heed that advice. If the nostalgia-by-numbers country pandering on “Dirt Road Anthem” wasn’t bad enough, the track’s verses are fucking rapped – by some fat bro with a goatee! Jesus, Carroll. Outside of being utter shit, the song’s lackadaisical pacing and chilled-out approach isn’t suited for getting a batter’s head right.
Joe Mauer: “What You Know,” T.I.
It’s widely known that Joe Mauer is the whitest human being alive. Personality-wise, he’s even a little safe as a pitchman for Kemps vanilla ice cream and Head & Shoulders dandruff shampoo. That said, the beat on T.I.’s timeless 2006 single is undeniable. The building, bravado-packed track should have Mauer hitting .350 in no time. But, then again, this has been his selection for the past few years.
Justin Morneau: “Rock and Roll Ain’t Noise Pollution,” AC/DC
OK, Justin. Is this AC/DC pick lifted straight from the weight room and a little uninspired? Sure. But the Australian rockers ain’t for thinkin’; they’re ideally suited for getting jacked-up. Morneau is smart to realize the correlation between cock-rock and blasting dingers. Also, it’s nice that he went a hair deeper than “T.N.T.” or “Highway to Hell.”
Josh Willingham: “Your Love,” the Outfield
It has been really easy to like new outfielder Josh Willingham, a player who’s faced with replacing fan-favorite Michael Cuddyer. A 10-game hit streak and five HRs through his first 11 games certainly helps, as does his selection of the Outfield’s cheesy power-pop winner. Nicely done.
Ryan Doumit: “Mother,” Danzig
Another new Twin with a winning walk-up pick! Danzig’s brooding, powerful 1988 metal classic is equal parts spirit-rousing emotional punch and rock wallop. Try not making contact after those opening power chords linger, followed by Glenn bellowing “Mother/tell your children not to walk my way.” So awesome.
Danny Valencia: “MMG Untouchable,” Rick Ross
My gawwwd you suck, Valencia! After following this douche on Twitter for the past year I can safely say he’s your standard Sneaky Pete’s/Cowboy Slims bro, but with the bank funds/career to send that misguided arrogance into overdrive. So when Rick Ross spits “Just bought another car/had to drop that top/for $200/she’ll suck that cock,” you can practically see Valencia pumping his fist and mouthing “YES.”
Trevor Plouffe: “When the Levee Breaks,” Led Zeppelin
You can’t really object to this choice, especially in the wake of Valencia’s. That said, as a practical matter, a slow building track that clocks in at more seven-minutes isn’t exactly suited for a 15-second sampling. Safe and unobjectionable, but a little out of place.
Alexi Casilla: “Si No Le Contesto,” Plan B
If Casilla was about to grind on the baseball, this would make a little more sense. In “Si No Le Contesto,” the (possibly) horny Dominican chose some undeniably horny Puerto Rican reggaeton. Not bad, though.
- by Jay Boller